8:19 a.m. - 2007-09-04
Unexpected Visitors
Yesterday being Labor Day and all, I decided to have a BBQ for some friends from my daughter's school. Ended up asking one family and a total of fourteen showed up. Not fourteen people, but fourteen families. People ended up just stopping by, checking in with me to see how I was holding up; they were in the neighborhood etc.
Most the the afternoon, I ended up standing at the grill flipping burgers, chicken and Italians. Worked my butt off pulling something together quickly and had to think fast on my feet to make it all work. Thank God I had enough beer, pop, wine in the garage. Luckily, I had just made a big bowl of fresh fruit salad, some cold tuna salad for lunches for the week, two dozen chocolate chip cookies had just made there way out of the oven, had the every ready stock of raw veggies, whipped up a quick dip, grilled corn on the cob and chopped some fresh coleslaw up and added some fresh from the garden fixings to it. Viola! Ended up using it all for the gathering and have to say I am the hostess with the mostess. Or as Gina would say the hostess with the mojo going on.
And Gina was right. My mojo was on and in full force. Every guy made a comment to me about my weight loss, my cooking, how I can make everything look so easy, how wonderful I looked, and how great I always smell. Every woman flattered me about my house, my abilities to make people feel so comfortable, my cooking abilities, the selection of wine I just happened to have on hand, that I was such a true and wonderful friend. How do I do it all? Raising a daughter, working a stressful job, keeping all of the loose ends together.
They are right on all accounts....I do love my daughter more than words can say, yes my job is stressful and rewarding all wrapped up into one, that entertaining is one of my passions and cooking for people that I love, well I am the best at it. Friendships, I treasure and nurture and I guess you could sum it up that I am one of those true, loyal gals. And yes, it takes a lot of work, and I am stressed everyday. I just don't show it to the masses. Only certain people see it. Period.
But with all of this warmth, flattery and friendship around me, why did I think of "him - the him that doesn't exist and that I am waiting for" the whole time?
Through smiles, through laughter, through grilling until I thought I was going to faint, through singing to embarrass all of our children, to cleaning dirty faces and explaining to the teenagers that yes a 46-year old can love Justin Timberlake music and to get over it. I wondered if anyone could see him, sitting in my heart, my longing for him to be part of all of this?
At one time during the chaos, I visited the bathroom just to pull myself together. I was feeling him through the cosmos, feeling this mystery man where ever he was telling me that he was coming...and soon. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw tears, I saw myself in despair. Because he was there, sitting in my heart and I could feel him; his energy, he was there, but where was he really?
I have tried to let all of the lonliness go and the fear, but like the "others" yesterday
my mystery man keeps stopping by in fantasy when I least expect.
