9:17 a.m. - 2007-09-05
Secrets and Lies
Isn’t it funny how certain things can trigger memories, emotions or desires in your life? It happened quite unexpectedly last evening. After doing the dutiful mom thing after a long day at work, I decided to have a much-needed cup of Earl Grey. As I was pouring the water into the my teacup I saw in the corner of my eye the word “abandoned” on the cover of my daughter’s Teen Vogue magazine. And it made me think of today’s title.
I once was a secret.
The kind of secret that is considered dreadful and awful. A secret that causes acute anxiety and can diminish the soul if you are not strong enough.
And my mother had to keep me that way for the first four months as I grew within her being. She was too scared to tell her two sisters or brother, let alone her up tight country club parents. Her religion and society told her that only boys and men could love sex but not women. Women who explored this kind of behavior would end up in hell or tagged as whores. All she could do was keep me a secret and secretly she wished that I would just go away.
When she looks back now all she can say is that he was beautiful. The very popular and the very beautiful Jeff had invited her to a fall dance and she loved him and always had. Since the days at the country club when they would play with another, all the bbq’s at the pool, how she would watch him play BB and cheer, as he became a star. She wished that she could touch his amazing brown thick hair. That maybe one day his almond eyes would look into her eyes and want to kiss her. So the two sets of parents set the date up. They thought it was safe. They were two children going to a school dance; no worries as both came from good families.
The back seat became their spot. The spot where I began my journey. On a leather seat two children pretended they knew what love was and as he kissed her ear, he promised that he would love her forever. And so she succumbed. Reluctantly at first but she desired him so. She loved how she felt with him and she craved the passion they shared.
Then I became a lie.
After she told her parent’s my grandfather beat her until we both almost died. I wonder if that is why I am so psychic with my intuition, sensitivities and compassion? Did I feel her pain, her fear, and her despair as she went through this? Did I feel her thoughts, her anger, and her losses? Did I cry and scream from within to stop hurting this beautiful child - my mother? Did you hear us both God as we tried to survive this vicious attack?
She spent two weeks in the hospital with broken bones, a broken face and a broken soul that never can really be repaired. I know she wondered why this person who lived inside of her (me) could still be whole, growing, moving when she was so broken physically, emotionally and mentally. Who was this baby that was conceived in the back seat of a car and why did it have to happen?
And as lies do…they develop, multiple and spread to protect the innocent.
She was released from the hospital and on the same day, she was sent to the Cradle in Evanston, IL an orphanage, to work as a mother’s helper until this mistake was born.
And each group was told a different lie. The country club was told that she was sent to a private school for above average girls, her siblings were told that she was on vacation for five months and the rest of the family just pretended they didn't know the truth.
Then one summer day I was born....
and they told her I was a boy.
More secrets and more lies.
