10:42 a.m. - 2007-09-12
Contact
Every time I leave Jim, I leave with thoughts that linger with me for days. It is his quiet, sensitive way – a presence that is smooth as silk and his messages always stay with me. His insights, and visions of who he sees me becoming and who sits before him presently is worth the trip every time. And though, every visit is hard on me, he has a way of probing deeply until he makes me see who the real me is. He makes me look at the patterns that I have immersed myself within and asks me things that I can’t answer yet.
Yesterday was one of those visits. And it didn’t go the way I thought. I had brought in my assignment for the week, which was four diary entries. And so, I brought in “Secret & Lies” (about my adoption situation), “Unexpected Visitors” (about missing Rick), “Crossroads” (about my daughter and boys) and “Purpose” (questioning, why the others) and he asked me to read one. So I chose the “Purpose.” And as I read this to him, I noticed he had closed his eyes…that he was feeling my words… not just hearing them. When I finished, I looked up with tears in my eyes “Jim, this is the real me.” Did you get what I was trying to say? My disappointment, the others, the question of why? He was not embarrassed, he didn’t move. He didn’t speak.
And finally after some time he said with emotion filling his voice…. I am usually not speechless, but I am. This was wonderful kointuition. Just wonderful.
And …yes as Jim said to me....I get it....but more importantly is that you “really” get it.
You really see the gifts. The gifts of people that have come into your life and that may leave for a while. That you see the universe like most don’t. That deepness surrounds you. That you speak honestly about real pain, of disappoints but more importantly….how you speak of seeing one of the most beautiful sunsets ever this past weekend, or how you watched the birds talking with one another on your balcony, how you love watching the wind dancing on the leaves as you rode your bike through the forest, or how you feel and understand music like never before. That today at work, you went into the bathroom and cried....gut wrenching sobs that just wouldn’t stop; holding yourself. That you are afraid and you call yourself deeply flawed. That “he” brings out the carnal desires within you. That "he" makes you ache like never before. When "he" says hello to you in that certain way, how it makes your heart leap and smile. You see and feel all of it because your senses are in overdrive. That is what pain does. It awakens your soul and makes you stop because the divine is trying to show you something. A pain that eastern philosophy says is like how we must have felt originally when we are separated from the light. Pain. Pureness. Growth. Grace.
And so…. your life is quiet now. Stillness will surround you. You will heal and you will get what you so richly deserve in the future. Courageously you have let go all of the toxic things. Ideas of love, jealousy over other women, girl’s that were suffocating you; trying to make you someone you could never be. That the deafness you hear is only making you turn to face the realness that the void is back. The emptiness is here. To feel it.....again.
It is a time to really heal.....and to get to know kointuition again.
And the next assignment.....continue to dance (even if it is by yourself), go and see Hairspray and,
like the great movie “Contact".....send the signal out to the universe.
But don’t be too afraid when the signal comes back....because....it will happen.....
just in time.
