3:02 p.m. - 2007-09-13
Tornado
I feel as if I am caught inside a giant tornado. Things are whirling and swirling around me and everything seems to be out of control. I keep telling myself to not get stressed out about the conditions. But I can’t take it anymore. I simply can’t take another thing.
If I think about it…really it all started during my vacation this summer. I actually saw the waterspout form over the horizon and meet it’s other half in the sky. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen, but I think it was then, that nature was trying to tell me something. The force of change was on the horizon.
My vacation wasn’t fun. I missed “him” and couldn’t deal with the company that was at hand. I went through the motions, it being my favorite place and all, but it just felt different this year. I wanted to go back home. And once I got back, I realized that things were different on so many accounts. It started with Kevin. He seemed interested or at least that is what my intuition told me. But screw my intuition. It has been so dead wrong all summer long, I don't even know what I was thinking. Kevin and I had shared a lunch with two other friends on July 5 and it felt nice to be with someone whom I easily could talk with. And the same continued on Friday, July 6th. He was really playful with me and we talked for over an hour about men, seashells, about going after what you really wanted without fear. When he would look at me I could see he was toying with me, playfully so. So when he said that he would take me out for my birthday, well I was excited. He was nice and I thought that maybe he could help me get through this tough stage. But then the very next day, on 7-7-07 he got in a terrible freaky car accident. And to this day, he is still in the hospital and isn’t the same mentally, nor will he ever be. And my heart breaks for Kevin. A truly spectacular, funny human being who doesn’t deserve this twist in fate. And the saga continues…. he was never interested in me per his friends, but my girlfriend instead. He just needed someone to get her to him and I was the bait. wow!
Then the start of the distancing stage…ever so slowly from me. The "in your face" truth, that I wasn’t his priority, nor could I be now. That he had to pull away for the sake of it all. That my surprise party that was once exciting wasn’t important any more to him. Though I loved this man, I had to put it all on the backburner for a while.
And it goes on: My very real health issues that I hide from “all” to this day, my real lack of money at hand for the basics, my boss yesterday talking about November and the changes that will be associated with it, trying to figure out after 20+year’s how to find a new job that pays as well as I am in currently, my boss agreeing with my friend that most women don’t like me in the office because of the way I dress; the way I present myself. I shouldn’t dress up in dresses and heels everyday. That my hourglass figure makes them feel uncomfortable, pushing them into a defensive mode, that I radiate vixenness. (What? Are you kidding me? - ah, wrong!!!!) I never dress sleazy – only in style and with class. Did I take the wrong pill here in the matrix? What is going on here???? That there is a very real possibility if I lose my job in November, I could lose my condo if it doesn’t sell right away – and with the market flat as it is- I might not sell it (per Emery). And yet every time I try to stop it, or change the direction this tornado is heading, I always end up getting caught in the destruction, like last night. In all actuality I just get screwed.
When I arrived home after getting beat up all day by everyone, I smelled gas. Powerfully strong. And so immediately I started taking care of the situation. I had everything under control, though inside I was panicking. I was scared that something had happened to my daughter, that maybe she had turned the oven on and didn’t realize the pilot light wasn’t lit after school and that maybe she was overcome with fumes. It was that strong! But she was ok. Just scared by my franticness of opening the door and screaming for her in fright. She had smelled it too but thought it was coming from one of the downstairs units. Instinctively I had her leave the condo. I investigated my condo, the other units, called the right people (gas co., Non-emergency # with the police, condo assoc. president etc). I took care of everything, quickly and efficiently. I even informed him, my ex, of the situation. You know, keeping him in the loop so he wouldn’t be alarmed when my daughter told him about the incident.
He in turn comes over like a jacked up tornado. Yelling about what a stupid person I am. How I don’t know how to do anything. What a terrible mother I am. How I put our daughter’s life in jeopardy. None of it is true and I know that. I told him to stop yelling, to stop getting in my face. I told him to get out. And I ended up raising my voice at him like never before. I told him off like never before. I have never done that before in the eighteen years that I have known him. And in turn, I paid for it.
Does he think that by pushing me up against a wall, with his hand on my throat, all in my face, smelling the alcohol on his breath as he spits his anger towards me, bruising my very nature of fragileness, that he can get to me? No, he cannot. I am a fighter and you have now crossed a line with me.
No more Ms. Nice Guy! GRRRRRRRR......
Hear me loud and clear. It has been over for a long time you piece of worthless, nothingness that you are. You have your life. You have someone to love now. Leave me alone. I have left you alone and watched you shove your happiness in my face. I have always acted like a lady. Always trying to be the example to our daughter; to show her what dignity means in the face of cruelness. I have lived and breathed watching you put me down, belittling me, calling me fat and old in front of K. I look at you with complete and utter disgust. Why must you always say that I am alone because I am a lousy piece of ass? You are so wrong on this one buddy. Maybe you are looking at yourself in the mirror when you say this, you jerk? Because let me tell you something. When you are really connected with someone, sex is mind blowingly fuxtastic. Stop throwing in my face how successful you are with your photography. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have ever done any of this. It was because of “my generous spirit” that you got to where you have gotten you selfish piece of disregard. Remember, the 20K to pay off your credit card, me buying you your first laptop and camera so you could go on this journey? And you left me for her? Ugh.....I am sick of playing fair, I am sick of how you have tried to destroy me with your words and your empty threats.....you piece of low life garbage. I am done.
So wherever you are..... my knight in shining armor, why don’t you stop by? I just had the best "o" of my life and there is more to come on that note.
