2:13 p.m. - 2007-10-04
5 star rating
My life has become the same routine, day in and day out.. Nothing really to look forward anymore. I guess the easiest way to say it is that it has become very mundane. You know, like it use to be, when I hated life. When nothing seemed to matter nor was I excited about anything. I get up, work out, listen to music, take a shower, get my daughter to school, work and go home. Day in and day out, over and over and over and over again. The same routine, the same emptiness.
It was weird last night going for drinks with people from UL. Having multiple men ask me for my number that I didn’t know. Thinking that if I tried to kiss one of them, that I would forget about all of the fear I live with. But instead the real feeling that came out was complete and utter pain. I felt nothing but deadness inside. Wishing “he - the man of my dreams” would find me and want to kiss me instead of the losers telling me how great they are. Going home and writing to Rick and feeling like an idiot after sending my email to him. I needed to think he was out there somewhere and that maybe, just maybe, he would be thinking of me at that moment. But I am a complete fool! And though I truly miss him, just miss our frienship, he is living his life as if I never existed. And as I write this....a huge lump in my throat is ready to explode.
I can’t deny the fact that I am so tired of this game. Tired of putting on my pretend face of being happy and up to everyone. I am miserable, lonely, afraid of my time frame and feeling isolated from everything. And yet today I get a note from Jerry. My eHarmony perfect match…where he rates me a five star. Wow…. I’m a five star to someone who has never seen me in person nor spoken with me. I know most of you think...wow, you should be happy. He could have rated you a one. And I am, I really am....but really what has the world come too? I’m a five star to someone who doesn’t know me but the person who really knew me can’t write to me or say... hey I am thinking of you. Is this what they call a relationship in 2007? Do you give yourself completely to someone to have him or her turn on you like a venomous snake, even without saying a word? Because if that is how it is today, then it sucks.... and I hate that the world thinks this is ok. I guess I am the idiot, as many people have told me as of late and that I need to embrace the new world that is around all of us. That people don't want relationships, they just want fun without any committments. I hate how we have all just become numbers, stat's in a world that once was based on real contact with one another. I feel dead inside. And all of the writings, psychotherapy sessions and friends listening to me wallow, can’t begin to make me feel any stronger about the situation at hand.
I will go on, going through the motions with my pretend face...no doubt about that...but for those of you who really know me.... I am so terribly sad.
Just so sad that I could so easily be forgotton let alone labeled by a complete stranger who knows nothing about who I really am.
Welcome to 2007 ko.
Welcome to hell.
